If you feel that they have no power, and how to do? Hate yourself and feel a lot of mental diseases happen to them. No matter what you do, say what, where, always have the feeling the feeling of shame, inexplicable feeling, and strong. Compassion flooding, terrible to think only of others, regardless of their own. Vision of a better life, but feel true. Do not know why, like I always have two, one to treat yourself, but if one is to destroy ourselves. What seems to have been his escape. I am probably a "crazy talk"? After Ronon my consent, we extracted the first four of her letters published here, her own words: "It was a good atmosphere inside psytopic site, users who are also very friendly, perhaps I can listen to other people's opinions. "-psytopic.com

First letter:
Do not know what you write, put today's diary copied to here:

Maybe just because I have not addressed, or that never had to face.
Do you think that would just skip to face whatever?
This is called the face of it? This is to avoid it.
For this reason, that I have been stuck in here.
I try to "face" in the end they find out that they only escape, Kazakhstan, or cheat ourselves.
Others lie to you that you can identify, if it is ourselves. This is called in psychology do not know what.
What kind of strange psychological reactions have occurred in me.
I do not have any power. Already been lost.
I just "survival" with, rather than "life" with. This is very different.
How deep is the resentment of what? I do not know.
I want the courage, I would like to optimism, at least I am happy to be free when it come to life?
This time, I will say to themselves: by yourself, yourself.
However, if you have no power out? If I was facing a major juncture in life can not stop to cure it.
How can I do? I want to give you, of course not.
I still do not hide the status conscious, lying on my mother, but also for myself.
Also thinks that too, quite normal, since the thought.
In fact, all but powerless, sleep, Internet, shopping or eating out.
Even got some time before the end of bulimia is found.
For reasons that are complex, because it is a lot of bad things there.
In short, my youth - from the first two days to the present about to go out and work are all kinds of bizarre mental illness through.
Recently it seems better, and yet seems to fall into depression in the.
Even now reads like this, then tell their still feel woodenly.
It should be because for too long.
Only know what seems to have been at large, concrete does not know what it is.
For a long period of time, is more than that of the first two days to the present, feeling a lot of mental illness have occurred in me.
Is also the eleventh grade, after the Internet search to know what hypochondria, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety or something.
I feel everything, like always felt his neck during the second year in question, has been going to see, saw many doctors, said no major problems, but still cried to refuse to see, the results are drinking a lot of Chinese medicine not seen well. After a do not know how long knew the good of their own.
After reading these data and found that disease should be suspected, may need to care about was the reason too?
Until now, I was cheated my mother, deceive myself, saying: "Now the homework ah." But in fact is the Internet, and doing nothing.
Sometimes feel that they are optimistic, but it is in something else.
Feel funny.

Second letter:
Front entrance to the youth of China Youth Daily called the hotline, she spoke cried.
But to no avail, I tried therapy, but the heart is always a voice saying: "do not need."
I do not know why, like I always have two, one to treat yourself, but if one is to destroy ourselves.
Ever thought it was schizophrenia, the brain always think of something that they control not something strange, even bizarre lines were also prepared to study in mind,
Can not control, I even head against a wall, or beating, but you can not. The total opposite of thinking that the emergence of great pain.
Want to go to treatment every time, but there is always a voice saying: a lost battle, it will not.
So give up, in fact, even to the doctor before, I can not clear.
There was a long time, about how long? First two right now, very annoying themselves, that sense of revulsion
I do not think anyone can imagine, even once addicted to the television show, got paranoid.
No matter what you do, say what, where, always have the feeling the feeling of shame, inexplicable feeling, and strong.
The most horrible thing is not to eat in front of others, that fear is very strong, that sense of helplessness, flawless sense, as if to die.
There is compassion flooding, no matter what, as always thinking of others, heard here, seems to be a good character.
However, the problem is, I think I hate that their only way, I even horrible to think only of others, regardless of their own, as if he did not care whether the interests of their own damage.
Today, I look forward to a better life, but feel true.
Because I still powerless, though always try to restrain itself.
I have no friends, no one, had a good relationship with two girls, has also been started in December last year, no further contact, and
I do not know I was, or how to quiet thing, I do not want to let other people see me, except my mother, I do not link. Unless forced to.
I think I am still at large, or in self-deception.
Otherwise I would not know their so many "I do not know" to.
I want to find a good job, I would like to study hard, I want to make my mother happy.
However, I must be too psychological hurdle.
On the one hand, I feel very depressed, and people do not want to close, and people do not speak.
On the other hand, I am eager to learn and then fight for good in April of this year to find a job, so I was a "hard" look, it is not true, it is just I do not want to communicate with others while wearing the mask it.
I like a schizophrenic patient, or that originally.
In short, the status of the final result is that I almost only, and others to learn and speak, and said, they also felt ridiculous, and usually have to ignore people, but this time opening.
All in all conflicts, I can not dry as the choice of which side crunchy, I can not cheer up, but they can not give up their studies.
I like a clown doing face changing games.
In the end, how do I do?

The third letter from:
For doing that before, just those words, I sent out the impossible.
I do not know how happened, I feel like my illness, just wait, rather than treatment.
But in fact they really like is the case, although the boil for so many years, I seem to be still going on much better.
For example I can tell you out of my mind, but for so ago, it is absolutely impossible.
The mind is always very noisy, coupled with their deep sense of revulsion.
All along, I think I state contrary to common sense, this "waiting for therapy," so I find it impossible to accept.
Let me think slowly losing power, because it makes me feel totally useless.
However, in such fear, apprehension, anxiety, disgust, fear, and sometimes irascible, eccentric, repeated in through the day, it really makes light of the disease.
I feel afraid, always felt himself to be if the will to do good, not so powerless to live and so it is good.
However, the fact it is so plain.
I feel empty, that can not be accepted, feel useless, self-confidence to 0.
I learned not go in, but nothing online shopping.
But by the school began to habitual loading, just to avoid talking to others.
Want to do nothing, but it sat out too afraid and others as.
Just like the previous line of sight like a phobia is back. But it started getting numb.
To torture themselves trying to relieve pain, bleeding hands because of frostbite and no matter in front of the computer to be long, sore eyes, no matter, no matter the eyes glazed,
Worse, no matter the skin, but does not matter like panic.
It is that more of me.
Hate the adult world, but can not say the specific reasons for
People always see the absolute, like a schoolboy, just people with "bad guys" and "good" category. Themselves feel childish.
But they can not control, is hated of all adults to mature and also attributed to "sophisticated."
Been far too long to relax and not feel free, happy is even more long absence.
Heart is always filled with guilt and remorse. The most carefree joy and envy are those who, even envy to jealousy of the heart.
Than his own life, the envy of people who care more about their life, too envious too long, that freedom does not mind the feeling of constraint.
Not very scary you, it seems that long ago abandoned as their own.
I was their abandoned by our own despise being ignored by his own abuse.
As trapped in their own feelings, other people can not even understand.
Very easy to get angry, even point sesame great things a little goes wrong on the irritability, but only dared to my mother angry.
Live for two years, but it seems to just stay in primary school EQ. That is, before the beginning of my nightmare.
Understand communication, because there is no communication.
Character weakness, but not the rejection. Always compromises.
Trying to become free and easy, but it is an illusion, in pain, I always do like the only fantasy that he fraudulently obtained their own round and round.
How to say the piece of mind should heal wounds Caixing ah.
Best not to say that I still take the initiative to communicate with others so, tried, regardless of use.
I had not even smile even laugh.
Even a front of a computer, moving did not want to move.
I always seem to refuse to admit that he was sick at all, until now, you write the letter so far.
Normal mode of trying to live, but everywhere frustrated.
I do not know why I avoid.
I even have thought that this world is so big, there is no reason to tolerate such a I ah.
Have not done it what a wicked thing, most people are sorry, but that is their own. Also my mother.
I seem to know everything, know your right, just like the previous description of my own.
But I was not sure whether it is their own self-righteousness, or I really understand ourselves.
But only in the end also do not know what has been at large, why is it such a great power, can make me so scared and even self-deception.
Give points on it? Casually say something. Do not blame me crap. There are some things I can not say.
So no, said the letters might just vent.
But I also hope to write that I can change, at least I am willing to say more honest, rather than as a secretive past.
If you can and look forward to your reply, I appreciate your willingness to read sentences such a mess.
If you give me to help enough.
In short, thank you.

Psytopic's reply during the excerpt:

Reading between the lines, I can feel it, you're always the lack of two things
Love and objectives.

Love
Everything (seemingly incomprehensible things), why not listen to reason, because they are "different"
Whether or treason for advertised
People always need to do something a little different to attention from others
Despite the concerns of others, not all is love
But the concern itself is a form of love
So, you thought about what they do these "different" thing about?

Target
I'm sure you thought about, and it has to do
But you may not be clear, have always sought, and may only form of love, not love of nature
Not even aware of it himself
So life does not seem to target

A fourth letter:
I think that, you say I "lack of love" this view, I have thought about
If you want to be held to the previous case, probably sixth grade that time, no one comfort I created?
Dad was sick, the family has always furiously days, come to think, really have no one during that comfort me, I'm just afraid it alone,
Remember that one morning they fight, no breakfast next door neighbor let me go out and buy breakfast back, he came Quan Jia,
I am a person riding a bicycle to go, and then bought something back, and they were still noisy, the family lost a nail hammer, pliers are everywhere, bed nets are also touch on a mess, I gave it to them with something to eat, But they who have refused to eat, I will be frightened, this is probably my normal period of time.
There were pictures, I was impressed that my dad hospitalized days, the hospital's facilities are not good, the doctor let us out, and then sprayed into the air was something on the knife in my stomach scratched dad a cut, and then inserted a tube to go, I was outside the window was visible, even to see the sun in the dust, I felt especially sad especially fear, have been concerned about bacteria in, my dad would die. Character may cause impression on her friends I have never said these feelings, if at the time said may be enough.
I remember the time once and my aunt and her son to play with only remember that his mother he is very good,
Words are very soft, then it was winter, we are ready to boat across the river, windy day, she had been worried that I would not be cold.
Had no experience of feeling that was very warm, as if from whom such care is not over.
Education may be the way my mother had it too tough, I grew up going to be shouted to roar. Primary school, not doing homework with a needle will be my mother hand.
Last time, I suddenly want to know other people in the eyes of me, asked me to play a great friend since childhood, I asked her, "My family trouble that would be my reaction?"
She said she remembers that when she cried every morning I go to school, I was always very slow, because I'm always reluctant to wear relative to the clothes, but my mom let me wear a partial, do not wear on beaten.
She said I was always complaining about this to her, she spoke even cry. She said that in addition to this, the other seems better.
Short period in addition to the pain that I can not remember anything of.
Sometimes I think I am a coward, because I think they still cry.
I remember a TV series on such a sentence: someone else's watch has been going on you stop.
These will be my answer to you like that?
Sometimes think that my reaction too, it seems that Bu Zhiyu, but now think of these, I cried a lot.
At that time, I was 13 years old, but now 20 of.
In fact, the story was like this, is not the first time,
Each time, I will cry, I cry like that, but it is not.
As you say "no target", this really is, the learning did not say, do not target
I even can not find the meaning of life, not to mention it the other.
Not entirely give up on themselves, I think I always leave "give up on themselves" a little bit worse.
In fact, I have not completely given up reason, I too care about the opinions of others, I worry that others will because of this malaise, I while I am disappointed.
In short, it causes all kinds of mess, leading to I have been so alive, (probably can not live to describe death?)
In fact, in front of others, I think I the eyes of others, should be quite good still image of it.
Everything disguise it, others saw me: "It is hard," "good character, is very quiet," "learn very well." . . . . .
Today there are still a student came asked me if I going to Shanghai to find work, she said that I have learned so well, it should go to Shanghai.
I only said I was cold, it will go to Guangzhou.

As you said, I sought "only love in the form of non-love of nature", I actually know this is the case,
Worry so much about the surface of things, always be deceived appearance. Others if I look serious, or because something ignored its me, I would think the other hates me
Others seem to always have to laugh to me that I feel at ease.
Really, I just think so. However, I also know not think so. So, always correct from time to time to appease his own.
Is the treatment? Self-treatment?
Do you say things are these unreasonable entanglement, I actually feel almost out of.
I always have this way of thinking, feeling useless, I seemed to care about one thing is not made of their own,
Like now, I better passage of time slowly up
But I would hate myself, and I think it is "time to cure me," instead of "my own efforts."
Really, I feel useless because of this but it seems unreasonable, but I just hate themselves for it, and always think so.
I think: Why not go to the doctor or do I brave things and get better? Why did he wait? Do you rely on such a fate?
However, if the time back then, all this development might still be a bit alarmist it? But that really is my trouble
Trying to calm himself, but still useless.

Say a thing of the past, cried once, seems a little easier.
Very grateful to hear from you, let me think a lot of things.
When I say these, they can not cry then?
Then I probably would mature enough.
You said I did not actually sick, I can say now is really much better than before.
I have not framed his illness. Like you said, to give an explanation of their, ah,
To those suffering a reason to prove that I am not a Martian who is not Saturn is not in the nightmares, I'm not like them, just a normal regular is too painful and sick children only.
I am probably a "crazy talk"? Always so much.
Well, thank you view. Also very grateful to you for your suggestion.
I want to start the integration project. Watching the flow of time to not do anything, this is my normal.
Good night.

by ronon

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